hmm its been awhile.

so i graduated. i turned 18. i got a new job. i got a new boyfriend. & my summer has started.

all in all id say things are going smoothly. nothing really to complain about except the back surgery & the 5days in the hospital  spending my birthday night there. but thank you everyone who helped me & listened to me bitch. so i leave for college soon :) i cant wait. a new start. new people. a whole nother chance but i dunno i  have to go to UIC tomorrow for a campus tour so im outski.

but on a final note i just want to say. that wow do i miss being little again. :( i miss my parents being together & my old house & my old friends & riding bikes and being gay. growing up is ruff & being 18 isnt as great as i thought it would be.... but oh well thats life.

goodbye luhvs ill check in, in a few months maybe

<333

so what the fuck do i do now? ryan youll never get it. your a cruel person a very cruel person. and to not feel bad for th stuff you did is even worse. i knew you lied about stuff but i never knew you went that far and if somebody would of told me i wouldnt of believed them. bc you were my life and my world and my fucking everything. and to know that the whole time you were lying? and you never cared and you never will care? fucking sucks. because i believed u and i believed in you i believed every single word you said and always fucking thought what you said was best bc i trusted you. i trusted you with my life and now i know you didnt give 2 sshits about my life. you want me to confess what? that i loved you and now i am completely empty? and now i really dont want to be living anymore. i just wasted 2 years of my life for what? so you could fuck other people more than once and LIE about it for that long and have the balls to accuse me of shit and call me a liar when the whole time you were just as shitty as me. maybe even worse. i know your happy now bc i literally feel like im dying and i know if i really was that would make you even happier. youll never ever feel this much pain in your life and if you ever do i fucking hope to god that you think about this. i dont care if you hate a person or if i hated someone i would never wish upon them what you did to me ever. bc yeah you were an amazing boyfriend. but it was all fake and in the end im the fucking idiot that fell for it all. this was like a 2 year game show that i lost. i am in shock. and now i guess thank you for letting me realize that hey maybe it is time to consider moving on? have a nice life and thank you for ruining mine.

p.s. i dont even have a single thing to confess to you bc you know every single thing. i cant keep things in like you do. and if i were to id feel terrible. so i guess me and you are nothing alike like you said.

i hate life. and everything about it. i want to go to sleep. and not wake up just to see if maybe you would feel just a slight bit guilty bc i know you wouldnt.

Currently Listening Daughtry By Daughtry its not over see related

did that just really happen??? did i just have a civil conversation with him? idk weird. its weird how now when i talk to him. everything he says makes sense in some ways ok maybe not EVERYTHING but most of it. now theres no reason for us to argue. now i can talk to him and look back on our relationship an have the maturity to say "you know what you were right" or say im sorry. hes taught me so much. hes brought out the absolute WORST in me and the best. its like a reality check that i never thought id go threw. i never thought it would be for good or a permantant break. but it is. and idk i hate it but its best and im ready to become someone i like. im ready to be "happy" ( even tho its overrated) im ready to just let whatever happens happen. Im ready to be happy with who i am and my surroundings. right now im kinda glad ive realized all this. just sucks it took 18 months of tears & heartbreak to do it. i just want to tell him im sorry for everything i put him threw. we arent friends. or lovers. or even much of anything. but he is there for me if i ever need him. i mean he does know me better than i know myself probably. ahhh so much shit to absorb in one night.

so tomorrow i start on my quest for happiness.

think i can do it? yeah i know i doubt it too.

oh well. im done rambling

unsuccessfully yours,

me

"Wreck Of The Day"

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

its one of those days where i just want to scream " WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" as loud as possible.

psh whatev nutin ever gets bettteeerrr

"A Farewell To A Friendship"

In a dream in a place of the far reaches of this mind
I have seen a true nightmare with a kiss of lovers' lips
One a friend the other just a memory
It still hurts when I think that once she was mine

Because I'm lost for words with one last breath
For me to take from you
Now gasp for air,
There's nothing left,
For me to take from you

I guess it's only right to give someone what they need
Even if it's nothing they ever wanted in the first place
I've seen with my own to eyes the hurt and pain
That love causes that's why I won't let you go
Down that road to emotional overdose
If I had her again everything would be alright
But nothing's alright and nothing's okay
When you live in a memory

I'm lost for words with one last breath
For me to take from you
Now gasp for air,
There's nothing left,
For me to take from you

Just a breakdown of the heart
A loss for words that won't mean a thing
The tragic ending a Farewell To A Friendship
That meant nothing at all
You let her in, You let her win
Is there anything else
To break or bend a bond as strong as ours
Now hollow all throughout

I'm lost for words with one last breath
For me to take from you
Now gasp for air
There's nothing left
For me to take from you

From you.....

hes moved on...&  i always told myself that everything happens for a reason. but ive believe that yeah ok everything happens for a reason. but no one ever knows if its for the best or the worst. whats best for him. is the worst for me. and its my fault in a way yeah. but i cant help but think that this isnt how it should be. nothing is right anymore. not only did i loose the love of my life. but my best friend. now i just keep everything to myself. bc hes not there to talk to . hes not there to spill my guts to. not there to listen to me cry or ask if im ok. no ones there. and no one else matters anymore. but hopefully hes happy. i know he desereves the world and maybe he will get it. i just keep thinking...not about what we could have been. but what we should have been. i doubt he thinks about me anymore. and if he does its probably only about how he wishes i would die. and right now i wish i would die too. theres nothing left. all there is to do now is sit. wait. watch. and wonder. wonder about him. worry about him. and regret. ill take this as a lesson learned....

moral of the story is.... never fall in love.

unsucessfully yours.